There but for the grace of my gods go I. September 22, 2008

There is this boy I know- I’ve known him since he was a baby. Let me tell you, for those people who feel being born gay is nonsense, I wish I’d taped this kid growing up. He was the GAYest little kid ever, and grew into a very gay young man.

Due to his upbringing, he has many issues, like most people growing up here do.  He has a lot of anger and left his mother’s house and moved in with his father, who sometimes beats him a little for being gay. I have tried to encourage him- point out ways he could get out of this life he’s in, and tonight, the normal conversation took a few interesting turns. I was forced to realize that this could have easily been me. I could have been this disgusted with life, this broken and sad, at the age of 19! I know who my patrons are, and I thank them tonight for the people they’ve brought into my life who have enriched it, the lessons- even the painful ones- that have made me who I am, and for whatever core of me they had a hand in that does not let defeat like this claim me. And I thank myself for being able to be worth it.

“[20:58] straight_people_bite: hello
[20:58] suntree_girl: heya
[20:59] straight_people_bite: how r u? also are you able to talk?
[20:59] suntree_girl: I’ll be slow, but sure
[20:59] straight_people_bite: okay
[21:00] straight_people_bite: so my cat ate my cordy figures head and now i have her head popped off and need a new head also i got a really good deal today i bought a silver ps2 with a paddle for only 20 bucks !!!!
[21:01] straight_people_bite: now i have two ps2 and need to sell one
[21:01] suntree_girl: sounds cool to have
[21:02] straight_people_bite: well yeah but i am pmpulsive and when i have money i dont know the word conserve at all
[21:02] straight_people_bite: impulsive
[21:03] suntree_girl: you need to learn it~!
[21:03] straight_people_bite: lol i know
[21:03] straight_people_bite: now i only have thirty left and 15 goes for p/o fees and 15 for fines
[21:03] straight_people_bite: what a shame
[21:04] suntree_girl: have you thought about getting a job or going to school or something?
[21:04] straight_people_bite: well i applied at mcdonalds and i will never go back to school i am just not the kinda person who goes back to school once i get my ged that is good enough for me
[21:05] suntree_girl: I really don’t know how to empahsise enough that you will never have anything better out of your life than this fucking town that you’ve known till now unless you get some higher learning.
[21:05] suntree_girl: education is so important- not just for job skills, but for networking and socialization
[21:07] straight_people_bite: i am not stupid and i am not just another redneck in u-ville and i watched a show where they did a study of ppl who didnt grad and ppl who did and they actually found more drop outs who have better paying jobs than someone who did grad
[21:07] straight_people_bite: but it is just a study
[21:07] straight_people_bite: so i mean it prob isnt 100% accuarate
[21:07] suntree_girl: studies are important, but you have to consider the context- did the people who dropped out get on the job rtraining?
[21:08] straight_people_bite: well some of the drop outs really jusy applied at jobs and then were hired
[21:08] suntree_girl: you are young, and have so many oppertiunities. you could study in another coutnry, you could go away anywhere to college, you could do ALL sorts of internships because you only have to pay for yourself
[21:08] straight_people_bite: it wasnt like they went through a course to do the job or ne thing
[21:09] straight_people_bite: i dont have the funds or the transportation to do all those wonderful things so i am not going to build my self up just for an even higher fall
[21:09] suntree_girl: and when you compare thier salary in several years to someone with a degree, you will see a very, very large gap in finance.
[21:10] straight_people_bite: because i live in the real world i am not ever going to be a college grad i just dont have the money or straight a grades for a scholarship
[21:10] suntree_girl: there’s a way. if you went away to school (you CAN get loans to live on) you could live on campus and bike to school or walk.
[21:10] straight_people_bite: well never thought of it that way
[21:11] suntree_girl: Really, because, I’m doing it- it’s a good thing I don’t think like that.
[21:11] suntree_girl: I know- the thing is, there’s a way. if you want something badly enough, there’s a way. and you will meet the most amazing people in the educated community
[21:11] straight_people_bite: well i dont know what you mean exactley
[21:12] suntree_girl: I’m saying that, I have a fucking tough time. I am poor as hell. I have a mentally challenged kid. To go to college, I have to live with my mother. I put relationships and life on hold to get this college. So if you want it badly enough, look up how you can do it. Call people. research loans and grants.
[21:13] straight_people_bite: see i am kinda offended by your statement it makes me out to be un-educated and also stupid (or atleast that is how i take it) because i dont want to be friends or hangout with stuck up know it alls
[21:13] suntree_girl: get you one of those apartments by the airport, work at a gas station and go to school, walk there every day. it’s worth it
[21:13] straight_people_bite: it sounds so easy hehe
[21:13] suntree_girl: the statement was meant to let you know that you would likely meet more gay people to whom you can relate. It wasn’t meant as a personal attack.
[21:14] suntree_girl: it was also meant to pique your curiosity, because you might find there’s a lot more to life once you get on the path to learning
[21:15] straight_people_bite: the whole gay thing is hanging on a thread as well i mean as my mom put the other day it isnt exactley NORMAL now is it and i kinda agree. and i do want more but hey this is as good as it gets right now i only try to live day by day
[21:15] suntree_girl: what’s not normal?
[21:17] straight_people_bite: being gay (male or female) and i agree it isnt meant to be that way. sex is for reproduction not anything else. gay sex is just for pleasure honestley
[21:17] suntree_girl: hm. okay.
[21:17] straight_people_bite: so i see my flaws now and i dont mean to be narrow minded but i honestley am thinking in a different way now. because it has been pounded in my head so many times that it finally sank in
[21:18] suntree_girl: I don’t even have words for that.
[21:19] straight_people_bite: all i am saying is i get why ppl think its wrong and that i see there point and kinda agree though i am physically attracted to guys doesnt mean i have to act on that impulse see we have come full circle
[21:19] suntree_girl: If you are happy that way, good for you? I guess?
[21:20] straight_people_bite: no one in this life is happy i mean life is what it is and we cant change that we get dealt shitty hands sometime and we have to take em dont we
[21:21] suntree_girl: Good thing those early feminsts didn’t think that way.
[21:22] straight_people_bite: well every body has negative thoughts and vents about them
[21:22] suntree_girl: which is fine. But I honestly have nothing I think I can say about any of this.
[21:24] straight_people_bite: well see atleast i can admit my personal issues and my flaws no offense but i just think everybody needs to vent and i would love to have someone just give advice rather then getting all offended and hushing up
[21:25] straight_people_bite: but i dont want an argument so i am getting off but i am sorry if i have offended you becuz i didnt mean to
[21:25] suntree_girl: I’m not offended. Vent away. but thee really is a difference between venting and wallowing.
[21:25] suntree_girl: and I’m not going to perpetuate the latter.”

She’s a badass bitch… August 4, 2008

So, I have decided to -very- tenatively test the waters to train for a sprint triathlon next year. I think it’ll take me a year to be ready, at least! I’ll need to swim more, and get a road or hybrid bike. It’s kind of a lofty goal, but it’s a good long term goal to have, while I work on the short term on

If anyone has done or know anyone who has done anything similar, I’ll be taking all kinds of advice into account.

Fast Forward June 6, 2008

The last 6 months have been rough. I’ve been up, down, sideways, confused, overwhelmed and clingy. I’ve been numbed, amused, infatuated, pleased, depressed and resolute. I think at least once a week I run the entire range of human emotion, and come back to where I am.

The good news is, there’s progress. I can see the good side of things, I’m gaining balance. I have a great girlfriend, and girls I love but am not with and girls I am with but do not yet love. Most importantly, I’m learning how to do these things right.

In another month, my life is gonna be AWESOME, althought I can already see how it already is at times.

Also, watch “Spaced”. it rules.

letter to the kid’s dad March 26, 2008

Hi there.

Doubtless, this letter will come as a surprise.  I am willing to bet you did not expect to receive such a note, nor will you expect the cordial manner in which it is worded.  Some will say it is more than is deserved, but I’ll get to that later.  I am writing you on behalf of your daughter. 

                You do not write or call to ask after her, but I know the thought must occur to you.  I like to harbor the thought that you still care about her.  She is, after all, your firstborn child.  Perhaps you’ll remember that you were more excited than I was to discover she was coming, and that she used to sleep on your chest when she was not even yet 8 pounds.  I have pictures of that, still. I do not show them to her.  She misses you enough.  She is aware of people who have not seen her in some time. Sarah and I have not dated for well over a year, but Kylie still knows her voice and recognizes her in pictures.  Her fits of upset when you used to drop her off were honestly expressions of upset and of missing you.

                I did not write this letter to berate you, however.  I know her condition is difficult for you to accept- so has it been for us all.  It takes some time to accept the idea that she is different, but not necessarily more difficult, than a typical child.  She is on several medications, to help her sleep at night and control her focus a little better, and these are helping.  She has very few angry tantrums anymore, and her most bothersome behaviors are her obsession over some things as well as her inability to sit still for long or manage herself well in public often.  There is progress with her, and she is not a lost cause.

                And it is for this reason that I am offering to you a chance to see her again.  I know your family is not speaking to you.  I could also list the number of people whose respect for you has fallen- there is quite the crowd.  I myself am very disappointed at your lack of responsibility.  I did not decide to have her on my own, but I have held to my obligation to her and she is happy and well cared for, but I know she would be happy to see you.  To be frank, within the next few years, she will likely have to be adjusted to a residence facility, and her routine will take over opportunities to see her-holidays and weekends will be spoken for.  You will not have many more opportunities to see her then.  This summer, I have chosen to not take summer classes during a few of the intercessions so that I could spend time with her and I will be traveling frequently. I am offering to bring her to you. It will take me an hour out of my way, but I will bring her directly to your home in order to give you this chance and make it easier on you both. 

                I never thought of you as a bad person, and I still believe that you can start to make things right by Kylie. Despite the anger you have at me, you must realize that she has nothing to do with that and it’s unfair to punish her because of it. My writing you this letter is my last effort to give you a chance to be her parent. This letter is not a threat, nor is it intended to be vindictive. I am simply confused by your behavior, and frustrated by your lack of involvement.  At this point, I feel I must do what is in both Kylie’s and my best interest. I am considering taking legal action at this point.  I would like to avoid this.  If you are willing to try to be part of her life, than I am willing to meet you more than halfway- but my generosity has its limits, and you must realize that I am quickly coming to an end with my attempts.

 

I am giving you two weeks from the date I have sent this letter to respond, before I make any final decisions.  I hope you use this opportunity to try to make things right again.

 

Cordially,

Crystal Fisher

I wore my black and red dress…. January 9, 2008

I got a day off of work for an exciting event. I wouldn’t have thought this possible, but I did it! And I, along with my friend Erin, possibly a friend of hers, and my friend Bob, will be going to see The Birthday Massacre in Pittsburgh in a cpuple of weeks.

 A concert and a kick ass city! I am teh EXCITEMENT!

I am depressed. October 24, 2007

I was under the impression that because I was able to gain so much momentum from my changes and my willpower, I would be able to outrun depression forever. As it is, I think I have the ability to escape it. But today I realized it’d snuck up on me and I hadn’t realized it. I don’t care about much right at the moment. I care about people, but I feel disconnected. I do things, but I lack presence in my day to day life.

 This will pass, possibly in the next few days. But it crept up on me, and that scares me.

Fuck you. Fuck everything about you. October 3, 2007

My sister pinged me on Myspace today to let me know my ex had Yahoo IMed her the other day to ask about me and my kid.

For the love of fuck. Stop messaging my friends. Stop messaging my friends to see if they hate you. Most of them do. they hate you because I was devatstated for a month and a half, and cried every day for weeks, had to leave work because of spontaneous crying, I don’t fucking cry in public and during this time everyone at my work got to see me helpless and broken and pathetic.

Stop hoping you can stay friends with me. CLEARLY, you don’t want to be friends, because you know you acted like an ASSHOLE during the breakup phase, and now you only ask so that people won’t think you’re a horrible person. You’re not, but guess what? You still stink of asshole to me.

While it’s true I didn’t break up with you and I should have, and this relationship needed to end, It would have been nice if it was gone about in a different way, and if you could have been there for me a little bit. Instead, just like you handled your previous breakup, and fucked that boy up for years, you acted like everything was fone while picking a fight with the breakee every single day, plummenting me into depression and making me feel like SHIT. Like -I- was doing something wrong. Meanwhile, you are getting high every single day and already setting up your rebound romances- not one, but two- and EVERY FUCKING PERSON in your little chatrooms that knew us both knew it was going on. Except me. And none of them let me know, or gave me a clue. Fuck them, and fuck you.

Then you told me you still wanted me to come up for my vacation. Which is good, I needed the closure. however, you could have saved me some time and money by telling me not to come if all you were going to do was let me beg for some sign of caring from you while you walked around like a numbed out zombie who couldn’t wait to shove this embarrasing portion of your life out the door as fast as possible. Ignoring my request not to have those idiot little girls you were stringing along NOT call while I was there was also apperantly too much. Leaving me in the living room for an HOUR during the last day you would ever have to see me so you could go chat up the more stupid of the two was appalling. Mind you, this wouldn’t have been much except you were only home 4 hours a day during the time I was there.

 During our 5 years, I wasn’t perfect, but I NEVER treated you so badly. I never made you feel like shit like that. I sat through all your personal trauma, psychological problems, family drama (Jesus Christ), and your EVER increasing demands about things about me that you mocked. I never leanred to play pool. but you NEVER spent a day out with my friends. You hated my family, yet the members of your family I hated I still had to be civil to.

And most of all, I had to deal with your drama. You fucking -invented- things to be dramatic about so you could blurt forth some B movie-sounding rhetoric as if life were some huge TV show. You made mountians out of molehills, you made my daughter’s condition something tragic, you made our life together into a grey and bleak thing.

And now, you keep messaging my friends, asking how I am. Leave. Get the fuck out of my life, even by extention. I am fucking tired of you.

The love meme September 29, 2007

Reply to this and I will list 3 things I love about you.

shouldn’t be hard.

HELL YEAH! September 28, 2007

So, like all moms, I like to occasionally test my kid. Today, I told her to go upstairs, to my room and get my computer bag.

 While I know she had only been introduced to my laptop case as ‘computer bag’ once before..and it took her 5 items to correctly pick the computer bag, she went up to my room, and returned in less than two minutes with the bag. Out of ALL the shit in my room to distract her.

I am so elated right now.

These long hours. August 9, 2007

Despite the fact that I have a clear vision of what I’m doing, even if I don’t know how I’m going to go completely about it, there are times when it feels like it’s taking forever. This move is going to go slow, as are all of my other goals.

But, for maybe the first time, I am approaching them with the knowledge that they -can- be attained, and that I have the strength and will to make things happen for myself.  I’m not waiting for someone to come along and make it easier, and I’m depending solely on me, the only person who hasn’t lied to me about being there for me.

This statement does not include internet friends- in the capacity that they can be, they have always held up to that admirably. But I’m just now learning that ambition isn’t such a bad thing- so long as you don’t step on anyone in your climb.